if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Randomize
