the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
