My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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