Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
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