i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Randomize
