if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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