I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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