The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
