I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
