So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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