I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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