Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
This couple is walking their pig around campus
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
