Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
