She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
