my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Randomize
