Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
