im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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