I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
As shirtless as possible
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
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