Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
dude. I can hear the air.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
