hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
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