Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Randomize