Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
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