I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
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