genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Randomize
