maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
Randomize
