please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
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