Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
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