you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
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