I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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