I am in a vortex of obligation.
Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
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