I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
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