If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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