The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Why is there bacon in the couch?
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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