woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
