I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
