even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
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