I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
