Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Randomize
