just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
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