I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
