remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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