My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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