I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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