Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
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