Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
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