Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
