I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
