she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
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