I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Randomize
