i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
