Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
I use my feet as sexual weapons
Randomize