just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
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