I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
Randomize
