my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
