Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Two words: blizzard sex
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
