Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
