A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Randomize
