I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
