It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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