I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Randomize
